I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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