Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
