I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
