I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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