I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
