This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
