During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
