theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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