It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
