allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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