Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize
