About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Someone shattered a urinal.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
