there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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