I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
