Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
