one two three fourrrrnication!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
