Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize