These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
