1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if only i could text you this smell
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
