someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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