I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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