I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
