My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
