omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
