I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
