My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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