i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
