Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
