Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
