you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
