never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
