hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
