I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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