I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
