ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
