You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
