Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize