i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
