I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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