Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
