My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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