my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
