you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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