That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just blew my weed a kiss
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
