Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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