I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
