I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
