One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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