he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
