Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
