I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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