She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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