im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize