can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
