why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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