Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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