She went from zero to smokin in five shots
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
